9 Strategies for Quarantining in a Non-LGBTQ+ Affirming Environment

With help from queer therapists and experts from The Trevor Project, here's how to endure isolation with those who might not accept your identity.
A person in quarantine.
Tomohiro Ohsumi/Getty Images

 

It took me nearly two years, a global pandemic, and the prospect of spending an unknowable amount of time quarantined in close proximity to my parents to finally confront them about their habit of misgendering me. I sent a long text. I held nothing back. It was brutal — two years’ worth of don’t call me thats rolled into one six-inch blue chunk of fuck you.

They’re not transphobic, I told myself. They just forget sometimes. Besides the slip-ups, they’re good, considerate, caring folks, I’d think. Dad proofread my papers even when he had no idea what I was saying. Mom went on long walks with me when my heart had broken in ways she could never fully understand.

But last week, when it was announced that New York, where I live, would likely be going into lockdown mode, I realized two things: First, that no matter how good their intentions might be, my parents' glacial approach to using my pronouns was unacceptable; second, that if I was going to wait this out with them, I needed to explain as much. Enough was enough.

In a second message, I asked that they not respond to my first. Live in this for a while, I told them. Reflect — really reflect — on what it means for your child to tell you that they don’t feel seen by you. And they did. I am grateful that my parents took my words to heart. For this I am lucky — and for so much more: To feel secure enough at home to call out one’s parents or guardian is an immense privilege, one that cannot be appreciated enough during this deeply uncertain moment.

As queer folks around the world adjust to the realities of life under quarantine, there will no doubt be members of our community who are forced to spend daunting amounts of time among family members, roommates, and others who question and even downright reject their identities. Many may not feel safe sending a text like I sent to my parents. Thankfully, there are other strategies for coping, including many that do not require any kind of confrontation.

Below, with help from both queer therapists and experts in crisis management from The Trevor Project, we’ve compiled a guide for enduring isolation within a non-affirming environment. As the therapist Laura A. Jacobs tells them., “Your family may not like who you are, they may not accept who you are, they may not even know who you are… but you still are who you are.

Tell Those You're Quarantining With How You Feel

This certainly does not have to mean sending an aggressive text message, like I did — though it can, if that's something you feel comfortable doing. It worked for me, but as Gianna DiGiovanni, a Crisis Services Manager at The Trevor Project, reminds, “There is a lot of advice and guidance floating around right now and it’s important to remember that everyone’s experience is different — trust yourself and your truth.” 

If a less abrupt mode of confrontation sounds safer for you, there's absolutely nothing wrong with a gentler kind of conversation. “Nobody deserves to feel uncomfortable in their own home, but making changes when that is happening can be easier said than done," advises Dr. Alexis Chavez, Medical Director for The Trevor Project. “I think that patience and empathy tend to go a long way. Providing information to people you live with (about names, pronouns, etc.), opening up dialogue, offering resources can all be helpful.”

Share a Helpful Article or Video

Talking to folks who don't understand or don't accept you for who you are can be exhausting, demoralizing, and even traumatic. The fact that there's little escape from those with whom one is quarantining certainly doesn't help. So if direct confrontation doesn't feel like what's right for you, sending an informative article or video can be a useful alternative. Psychotherapist Andrea Glik is quite familiar with the process: “I have sent [articles] to family members of clients in the past who weren't being respectful, but ultimately didn't understand why it was important and needed an outside source to help them,” she tells them. If you need an article or video to send, we've got a whole bunch. Here are a few to start with: 

Tyler Ford Explains What Queer Means

Shamir Explains the History of the Word "Agender" 

Elana Rubin Explains What "Pansexual" Means

This Is What Gender-Nonbinary People Look Like

What Does the Word "Transgender" Mean?

What Does Two-Spirit Mean?

What Does Intersex Mean?

Use Technology to Connect With Queer Friends and Allies

If you have access to digital modes of connection, like Zoom, FaceTime, WhatsApp, Skype, Facebook Messenger, or simply texting, now is the time to start reaching out. As psychotherapist Andrea Glik tells them., one of the biggest dangers associated with being stuck in a non-affirming environment is losing touch with one’s sense of self. “When we are in an abusive or non-affirming environment, we can be gaslit into believing that we don't have worth, that we aren't loveable, that we aren't deserving of respect,” Glik explains. One powerful means of rejecting such invalidation is to stay in touch with those who reassure you of your sense of, well, you.

The Internet Can Be Your Friend, Too

“You deserve to be surrounded by people who affirm you for exactly who you are,” says Gianna DiGiovanni. “If those people are not the ones you are quarantined with, it can feel like they don’t exist. They do.” Even if you don’t have lots of friends to FaceTime for support, free and confidential forums like TrevorSpace exist to connect LGBTQ+ youth and allies going through difficult times. “There you can talk about your gender, your sexuality, ask questions, share your art, talk about what is going on in the news or anything but,” DiGiovanni tells them.

Beyond TrevorSpace, there’s tons of solace to be found in online communities, according to Max Battle, a Crisis Services Digital Supervisor at The Trevor Project. “Learn the TikTok dances in your bedroom while your parents are sleeping, make a new online friend on Instagram, watch your favorite YouTubers,” they advise. “Something positive about the situation we are in at the moment is that everyone is turning to online communities — we will all be figuring out together how to better care for each other digitally, and there are about to be an abundance of new ways to find connection and escape on the internet.”

Don’t Overdo It With Social Media

“Given the fact that news outlets and social media platforms can inherently focus on negative or alarmist conversation, try to create a healthy balance for what you consume around the COVID-19 pandemic,” says Thomas Goldberg, a Crisis Services Supervisor at The Trevor Project. “If you find that you’re using social media as a place to connect and the peripheral content is seemingly hard to escape, change the environment and have a phone or video chat,” he tells them.

Immerse Yourself in LGBTQ+ Culture and History

“For some people, accessing a support system outside of their current environment may not be a possibility,” explains Gabriella Potter, a Crisis Services Digital Supervisor at The Trevor Project. “Folks in this situation may benefit from...watching TV and movies with LGBTQ characters, or learning more about queer heroes and queer elders to help connect us to a greater LGBTQ community.”

Find a Secret Hideout

“Isolation can be incredibly hard on your mental health, particularly when you’re stuck in an environment that doesn’t enable you to live comfortably as your authentic and wonderful self,” says Alex Shapiro, a Crisis Services Digital Associate at The Trevor Project. “If your living space allows, find safe spaces in the house. Close the door, take some time alone to reset.”

Cherish Symbolic Objects

For queer folks quarantining in non-supportive environments, psychotherapist Laura A. Jacobs advises finding psychic nourishment through items that help you feel secure in your identity: “That may be a pride flag in your room, a photo of your partner you keep in your pocket, a scarf that signifies your authentic self, a friendship bracelet from a peer or partner on your wrist,” Jacobs tells them. The point is finding “anything that helps you hold your identity within even if you cannot show it externally.”

Reach Out to LGBTQ+ Support Organizations for Help

In addition to TrevorSpace, The Trevor Project, which describes itself as the world’s largest suicide prevention and crisis intervention organization for LGBTQ+ young people, offers three free and confidential services for queer youth in need of help: TrevorLifeline (1-866-488-7386), a 24/7 crisis and suicide prevention lifeline; TrevorText (text START to 678678), a service that allows LGBTQ+ youth to text a counselor for support and crisis intervention; and TrevorChat, which provides live online help for LGBTQ+ youth by trained volunteers. Other organizations actively encouraging young LGBTQ+ folks to reach out for help include the LGBT National Help Center and the Trans Lifeline, a phone hotline for and by trans people.


How the coronavirus is changing queer lives

Get the best of what's queer. Sign up for our weekly newsletter here.