How to Talk to the Women in Your Life Right Now

It's been an exhausting week of news.
Collage of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and Anita Hill holding their right hands up during testimony
Photo Illustration by Alicia Tatone

For women, nonbinary people, and survivors of sexual abuse, this week has been demeaning, exhausting, depressing, terrifying, and rage-inducing. Watching a group of rich white men try to undermine the experience of Dr. Blasey Ford, national hero and accuser of Supreme Court hopeful Brett Kavanaugh, has meant a constant reminder that our trauma and our experiences are not important to those in power in this country.

This feeling, of course, is not new; it's something we've known for a long time, maybe forever. That American power structures don't really give a shit about the guy who raped you in high school, or touched your ass at a work event, or took a picture of your passed out half-naked body and sent it to his group chat (this one happened to me). American women get to walk through the world every day knowing that the most powerful man in the country is an admitted sexual abuser.

Let me tell you: it's a lot. And it makes functioning on a baseline level difficult. You may have noticed that the women in your life have been particularly unhappy over the past two weeks as this news cycle reared its ugly head: we have been showing up late to work, giving you surly looks, loudly complaining about "men", et cetera. These are coping mechanisms. And perhaps you, a thoughtful and potentially kind-hearted person, want to know how to better support your non-male friends and colleagues. This is a very good instinct! We appreciate it. Here is some advice on how to do that, from the women at the publication founded as Gentleman's Quarterly.

Ask how we're doing

When you know that someone is going through a difficult time, it can be a tricky thing to ask them about. You don't want to pry, but you also want to be supportive. Asking basic questions like "how are you doing?" will allow your friends to share as much as they feel comfortable.

If you get a response like "lmao I'm terrible!!!!!" or "I want to launch myself into space after punching Brett Kavanaugh in his ugly mouth," this gives you a green light to ask the next important question: "Ugh, that sounds like a lot. Wanna talk about it?" And if she does, it is time for you to put on your big boy listening pants.

Listening is crucial

Listening is step one of allyship. Listening means not interrupting. It means making eye contact, paying attention, nodding your head, and saying things like "that sounds really difficult" or "I hear you." If you're worried about your listening skills, this article is a good place to start.

Practice introspection

We have all done a handful of shitty things in our lives. That is simply how it works. Because we live in a misogynistic society, there is a good chance that you have laughed at a sexist joke, or made a woman uncomfortable, or crossed a boundary. This is a time to examine your past actions and thoroughly consider the ways you can be a better person. (Do not make a woman do this for you; if you need help, find a therapist.) What separates a pretty-good-but-flawed-dude from a Kavanaugh is owning up to one's transgressions and examining one's privilege. We don't need you to be perfect; we just want you to admit that you're not, and try—on your own—to be better.

Whatever you do, do NOT make it about you

I acknowledge that this particular news cycle is distressing for everyone with a conscience. But one of the most frustrating things a dude can do right now is imply that this is just as hard for him as it is for a woman. Saying things like "yeah, I get it, this is rough" implies that you understand our experience, which—as empathetic as you may be—is patently untrue. Acknowledge that you can't relate, but that you want to support us regardless.

Similarly, being performatively outraged on social media may make you feel good, but it doesn't help us very much. Sending a text—maybe something like "hey, how are you? I know this week is a heavy one"—gives us the message that you care more about our feelings than your reputation as a Good Woke Dude.

And do NOT get defensive

Saying "hey, not all men are bad!" is a very fast way to piss off a woman who is trying to vent. Remember, she is not talking about you specifically. If your friend says she wants to cut off every dick in a five mile radius, let her!

Don't tell us it's gonna be okay

Telling us it's all gonna be fine in the end is just a way of invalidating our experiences and feelings. In the words of Jaya Saxena, "So many men try to say sorry and then cheer me up. And no, you don't get to do that. You have to sit with me being furious and sad." Honoring our rage is one of the kindest things you can do. And please, whatever you do, don't act "shocked" about all this; it's nothing new.

Make our lives easier

Would I like every man reading this to Venmo me five dollars? Sure! But what I'd really like is for men to look for small ways to make women's lives easier right now: offering to help us with tasks, asking if you can take anything off our plates, buying me an iced cortado with oat milk from the good coffee place near the office (I'm just spitballing here!). You don't have to bend over backward—doing so may make your friend feel like a tiny baby who needs rescuing—but offering to do small things can have an outsized effect for someone who is struggling. And remember that the key word is offering here.

Make a commitment to doing this work forever

Step one of all this is being there for your friends, family members, and coworkers. Step two is finding ways you to make the world a better, more equitable place for everyone! Familiarize yourself with womens' issues and perspectives—that means reading books and articles and not relying on your friends to explain everything to you. (We're exhausted and probably don't feel like it.) Find organizations, like Rainn or Planned Parenthood or a local women's shelter to donate to or get involved in. Have conversations with your male friends about these things, and call them out when they are being sexist, racist, transphobic, or homophobic. Believe anyone who shares their story of abuse. Try to move through the world with the awareness of all the ways it is unfair to women. We've been doing it our whole lives.