Signs the "Drama" in Your Lesbian Relationship Is Abuse

It's more common than we talk about.

July 12, 2017

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Teen girls are constantly stereotyped as more “emotional” than boys and prone to getting into “catfights” and “girl drama.” This sexist notion is particularly confusing for queer girls seeking to date other girls. Since our relationships are often already invisible in most conversations, it makes it even harder to navigate the dating world and figure out what types of expectations are reasonable in relationships.

Such “mean girl” stereotyping also impacts how queer girls and women view ourselves. The phenomenon known within queer culture as “dyke drama” is proof of the ways that “drama” becomes normalized in queer women’s relationships as we get older.

We poke fun at ourselves by using these types of terms, but this language makes light of the extent to which emotional abuse remains an unspoken issue in queer communities. Dressing it up as “girl drama” or “dyke drama” magnifies the problem by masking the seriousness of the situation and turning emotional abuse into a normal part of how girls and women are supposed to relate to each other.

Emotional abuse is not always intentional. People may do many of the things on this list without necessarily trying to. But either way, it’s still emotional abuse and there is no excuse for it. Here are five signs that the “drama” in your relationship might actually be abuse.

You Try to Set Boundaries and Your Girlfriend Freaks Out.

The ability to set healthy boundaries is one of the most important parts of a relationship. Girls and women are socialized into feeling like we’re selfish for having needs and that we must sacrifice our own well-being to support others. Therapist Cherilynn Veland, LCSW, MSW terms this “unearned guilt” and writes, “These negative feelings are not the truth; they are the result of an ingrained self-punishment impulse that you must acknowledge but not let succeed.” You have the right to negotiate how much time you spend together, what you feel comfortable doing (or not doing) sexually, and so much more. If the girl you like yells at you in response to this feedback, or passive-aggressively guilt trips you into doing what she wants, she is not respecting you. You should be able to express disagreement and discuss problems without feeling like you’re going to be under emotional siege for doing so.

Your Girlfriend Demeans You in Front of Your Friends and/or Family as a “Joke.”

I once had an ex who knew that I hated to be publicly humiliated. She would use it to her advantage to make snarky, passive-aggressive comments about me in front of my friends. One time, she even swore at me in a department store in front of my parents, to their shock. This put me in the awkward position of trying to downplay her behavior to others to “protect” her and mitigate the shame of being degraded and staying with someone who treated me that way. After I broke up with her, I had friends telling me that they were concerned about me the whole time and could see something was amiss. If you’re in a similar situation, pay attention to these moments of cruelty and humiliation. Most likely your girlfriend is projecting her own self-hatred and/or lack of confidence onto you. “Projection is the act of placing unacceptable feelings or unacceptable wants or desires onto another person,” Paula Durlofsky, PhD explains. “For example, a person who feels inferior constantly accuses others of being stupid or incompetent.” It is never okay for anyone to treat you this way, regardless of how they feel about themselves.

One Person is Monopolizing Trauma.

Due to the upsetting realities of sexual violence, racism, poverty, heterosexism, cissexism, and more, queer girls and women are often forced to navigate all different types of trauma. We may bring trauma and past wounds into our various relationships. That’s important to respect and work through in a consensual and safe way, ideally with a trained mental health professional who can help. If someone you’re interested in tries to cover up how she treats you by pointing to the ways others have hurt her, however, this is wrong. For example, if your girlfriend is calling you names and then claiming she couldn’t possibly be abusive because she has experienced “real” abuse, this is itself abusive. Being a survivor of trauma does not preclude anyone from inflicting emotional, physical, or sexual violence against someone else. For more on navigating abusive power dynamics within queer and trans communities, with an emphasis on activist communities and the intersections of gender, race, sexuality, disability, and more, check out The Revolution Starts at Home: Confronting Intimate Violence Within Activist Communities by Ching-In Chen, Jai Dulani, and Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha.

You’re Contradicted So Much You Start To Lose Your Grip on What “Really” Happened.

It is not okay for someone you like to treat you poorly and then pretend it didn’t happen, making you question your own grasp on reality. This dynamic is called gaslighting. It’s a common tactic of abusers to shift the focus of the blame from their bad behavior onto the person they are victimizing. One important side effect of gaslighting is having your memory “black out” after a fight (because your brain is trying to protect you from the cruelty of the abuse), which results in not being able to remember how an argument started. You may start to internalize the idea that there is something wrong with you and that you did something to provoke the situation as you’re increasingly beaten down and confused. According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, “Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.” If you’re scared that you might be a target of gaslighting, talk with someone you trust (not your girlfriend), and keep a journal to write down your fights and remind yourself about what really unfolded. Then, evaluate next steps about how and when to safely exit the relationship.

More Days Feel Terrible and Exhausting than Feel Good.

Listen to your gut. Your heart, your body, your spirit, your inner truth screaming inside you. Do you feel happy, emotionally safe, and taken care of by this person on a consistent basis? Do they put as much emotional labor into the relationship as you? Or do more days feel terrible and exhausting than feel good? If so, you don’t owe anyone anything. This is your life. As Sade Andria Zabala writes in “A Haiku on Self-Love,” “You are gold. Do not set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”

Think about it: if similar dynamics were going on in your relationship with a guy, would others quickly label the situation abusive?

Regardless of gender, emotional abuse is real abuse, not just “drama” your girlfriend puts you through. Queer girls and women shouldn’t have to be subjected to terrible relationships.

Because each of us deserves better.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, help is available. Loveisrespect.org's chatline can be found here, or you can access them by phone at 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522. Crisis Text Line also provides round-the-clock support for anyone in crisis. They can be reached by texting HOME to 741741. The One Love Foundation has more tips and resources here.