Credit...Monica Garwood

When She Earns More: As Roles Shift, Old Ideas on Who Pays the Bills Persist

Gender dynamics have become much more egalitarian over the past half-century, but certain attitudes may endure when it comes to men, women and money.

For most of the 12 years of Nick and Natalie Foy’s marriage, Ms. Foy has been the primary breadwinner.

She started a career in banking right out of college. Mr. Foy took a more circuitous path, working as a youth pastor before deciding to get what he called a “real job.”

During the transition, he and his wife had intense conversations about whether he was trying hard enough to find work. “That nontraditional role added pressure that neither of us foresaw,” said Mr. Foy, 36, who now runs a financial planning practice in Charlotte, N.C.

Over the past half-century, gender roles in the United States have become much more egalitarian. Women now outnumber men in college and collect more degrees. A rising share of women earn more than their husbands, and men are taking on more responsibility at home.

What may come as a surprise — especially to those under 30 — is that despite these shifts, certain expectations persist when it comes to where men fit into the household dynamic.

“We have held on to that idea that men are supposed to provide, but have loosened up on the idea that women have to be homemakers,” said Alexandra Killewald, a Harvard sociology professor.

Today, nearly a third of women who are married to or living with a man contribute at least half of the couple’s total earnings, according to a Pew Research Center survey last year. By comparison, in 1980, just 13 percent of married women earned more than, or roughly the same as, their husbands.

But seven in 10 adults also told Pew that for a man to be a good husband or partner, it was “very important” that he be able to support his family. Only about three in 10 said the same about women.

The academic literature is mixed on how disparities in earnings affect marital relationships. A 2015 University of Chicago study found that opposite-sex couples in which women were the top earners reported greater relationship strife and were more likely to split up. The study also suggested that women who earned more did more housework in order to make their husbands feel better about the situation.

More serious marital troubles may be tied to whether a husband simply has a job at all: Professor Killewald’s research, from 2016, found that when married heterosexual men weren’t employed full time, their risk of divorce was greater. But as long as they had full-time jobs, men who earned less weren’t at higher risk of divorce.

Professor Killewald knows from her own experience, however, that more traditional ideas can erupt when you least expect them to.

She and her boyfriend were in graduate school when they started to talk about getting married. At one point, her boyfriend, who later earned a Ph.D. in physics, blurted out: “But I can’t support you.”

Professor Killewald was completely perplexed. “‘What exactly do you think is going to happen when we get married?’” she recalled saying.

“He absolutely didn’t think I was going to quit grad school,” she added. “He’s totally a feminist, this feeling just came out of some deep place that one should be able to support a wife if one is going to be a husband.”

They got married anyway, and she still earns more than him.

Attitudes may be changing, if slowly. Another study, from 2016, detected a generational shift: Couples who married in the 1990s or later were at no greater risk of splitting up when a woman outearned her husband, compared with couples married in the 1960s and 1970s, when a higher-earning wife was more likely to lead to divorce.

Financial planners and therapists who specialize in financial issues have found that certain feelings and patterns recur among heterosexual couples with female breadwinners, and that there are several ways to address them. (Most of the strategies apply to anyone with a partner, including same-sex couples or men who earn more than their wives.)

Set, and adjust, expectations. Derek Tharp, who runs a financial planning firm in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, said he believed the assumptions that each partner brought to a relationship were the biggest potential sources of conflict.

“If they are open-minded and adjust their roles accordingly — e.g., he may pick up more household labor as her responsibilities in the labor market become more demanding — then things generally work out just fine,” Mr. Tharp said. “But if either spouse is uncomfortable with the outcome — he may feel that he’s failing as a husband or she may feel that he’s not carrying his own weight — then the risk for conflict may be high.”

Lazetta Rainey Braxton, chief executive of the financial planning firm Financial Fountains, said she had seen earning-related stress arise later, when a woman wanted to relinquish her breadwinning role, often to spend time with children or change to a more flexible, and possibly less lucrative, career.

“It can put a great deal of pressure on men to step up and figure out the income differential,” she said. When such situations arise, she helps couples figure out how much flexibility they have to make adjustments — stretching out student loan payments, for example — that affect their current situation and long-term goals.

Divide and conquer. Research shows that men are handling more household responsibilities, but they still aren’t doing as much as their wives. When women feel they are doing more than their fair share, their relationships have been found to suffer.

It’s amazing what a little more help around the house can accomplish: Another study, from last year, found that women whose jobs gave them greater professional status than their husbands were more likely to feel resentful or embarrassed by their husbands’ lower position — but those feelings didn’t hurt their relationships when the men provided tangible support, like caring for children or older relatives.

“Make a list of whose responsibility it is to take out the trash, make sure the car insurance gets paid, decide how much to spend on groceries, etc.,” said Sonya Britt-Lutter, an associate professor of financial planning at Kansas State University, who recently developed a program to guide couples through financial conversations.

“Then,” she added, “discuss what happens if one person starts a new job or advances in their position to the point of requiring more time away from the home.”

She suggests revisiting the topic annually to see how each partner feels about her or his current “assignments” and to consider changes.

Share goals, with some independence. Research shows that heterosexual married women who are breadwinners tend to play down their status, but Carrie Gallaway, a financial planner in New York, has found that husbands of breadwinning wives are proud of their accomplishments.

But, as can happen no matter who the breadwinner is, conflict can arise when a wife makes more financial decisions without including her husband (and the same is true when the roles are reversed).

“It is a shift that, over time, can create resentment, and the nondominant money controller feels more anxiety because they don’t understand what is happening,” Ms. Gallaway said. “Part of it is just being heard.”

When a relationship has a dominant breadwinner, there are a few ways for partners to maintain some autonomy while still working together.

Some experts suggest setting a specific dollar threshold at which spending decisions require one partner to check in with the other.

Others suggest keeping a shared account for all joint savings and expenses, with what’s left going into individual accounts. Or an agreed-upon monthly sum can be set aside for each partner to spend without criticism, with the unspent money carrying over.

“Regardless of who earns more, each has an amount that they have exclusive control over,” said Barbara Ristow, a financial adviser in Fairfax, Va.

As for the Foys, Ms. Foy still provides a majority of the household’s income. They have found that keeping everything in a single pot works best for them, and Mr. Foy often advises his clients to do the same.

He said that a shared account helped them both see where their money went and it also let them work toward shared goals like saving for college tuition or a big trip. Tools like Betterment, a so-called roboadviser, work well for this, he added.

“I find when you are intentional about setting goals and then monitoring them together,” Mr. Foy said, “you end up with a joint focus that you wouldn’t necessarily have otherwise.”

And a joint focus, Ms. Foy said, keeps resentment about spending and income from festering. “Money,” she said, “isn’t the end goal.”

A version of this article appears in print on  , Section B, Page 1 of the New York edition with the headline: When She Earns More. Order Reprints | Today’s Paper | Subscribe

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